Let me preface this by saying that I’m really good at not having feelings for people. When I was younger, I was one of those awful girls who fell for every guy who so much as smiled at me… and then I realized how awful I was. Five years of Shane and “real world experience” eventually broke me of that and even when they show a lot of interest, I’m pretty good at keeping people at arms length.
But sometimes I let people in because I like their face and their personality and I think maybe I will be good enough for them. But even then I play my cards right and don’t tell them how much I like them and don’t act desperate and everything right.
And they still fucking leave. Fuck!
I don’t want to date any more. I just want to solidly be WITH somebody who won’t break my heart or make me think I might find happiness and then change their minds
It sounds pathetic but I feel really hopeless and alone right now and I can’t really explain or rationalize why. My chest hurts and my skin hurts and my muscles hurt.
And I miss Shane because he could make this feeling go away and I didn’t even have to be fucked up.
I just want something, anything, to get out of this right now. This is the feeling I always run from because once it catches up with me it never goes away
Neil Gaiman, from “Murder Mysteries”
From Smoke and Mirrors: Short Fictions and Illusions(via liquidnight)